When It Comes to Describing One’s Self Online, Should Anyone Really Be Good At It?

Houston, we have a profile problem.

I have a hard time talking about myself in a positive way. This doesn’t mean that I’m not a confident, intelligent woman who knows she has a lot going for her. (Not so humble brag.) But how does one convey all of that in a succinct way in a forum where good looks are a dime a dozen and, according to reports from several men I’ve dated, crazy lurks behind every 😉 emoji.

For me, the struggle begins with the profile pics, because let’s be real: if you’re “dating” in 2019 and it’s not on a dating app, you somehow exist in a parallel universe only a select few have ever seen.

As soon as that “upload photos” screen appears I start to sweat. Are my selected pics too filtered? (They never are.) Do I look like I’m trying too hard to be cute? Fun? Sexy? (Nope. Probably. Absolutely.) Will all of the white men be really confused as to why my hair is different in every photo? (Is the sky blue???)


But, of course, that’s not the end of it. Now you have to write something interesting about yourself.

Looking for a good guy, not a good time!

No, that’s not it.

Single and ready to mingle!


I’m not your average damsel in distress. I enjoy sports! I’m smart AND funny. Swipe right on me!


In reality, my actual profile description goes a little something like this:

Funny. Direct. Smart.

If all of your pics are selfies and sexy faces, we’re probably not going to get along. Smile!

I spend a lot of time playing 🏐 , 🏌️‍♀️ and 🎾 , but you don’t have to.

No filters on any of my pics (no makeup either).

Bonus points for messaging me first.

Not the best, but certainly not the worst.

See, I’ve swiped past enough profiles to know what guys say they want. My profile delivers on that: witty, ball-busting, naturally attractive. My matches prove my point — although, my overall relationship success rate says I’m doing something horribly wrong.


The real problem is that most men have shitty online dating profiles. The photos are horrendous (Enough with the car selfies!); the descriptions have grammatical errors (It’s “too,” not “to.”); and they are generally boring AF or stupid AF — the profiles, not the men.

I know this is a generalization, but take the following profiles as examples.


Jeff is bilingual, y’all. He speaks the Español and he’s not afraid to “hola” at you.

Here’s a gem: “You don’t have to be classy, just be cool.” What the fuck does that even mean, Jeff?


“Modern (yet believes in old school chivalry)” So you’ll let me work outside of the home, but won’t let me pay for dinner? On second thought…that’s not so bad.

Also, chill out on the LOLs and JKs, Jeffrey. We get it: you think you’re funny.



Presented without commentary. (Although, you can find commentary in a previous post.)

My advice to men who are in the process of creating or updating their online dating profile: consult your best female friend. Heck, consult the barista at Starbucks. I can pretty much guarantee your matches will go up exponentially. Or at the very least, you won’t be featured on a single woman’s blog about her travails in dating.

Don’t have any female friends? That’s a problem, but not for this blog. Follow these DOs.

DO post solo pics. No one wants to figure out who you are in a group shot. And if all of your pics are group photos, women will just assume you’re the least attractive one.

DO show your full body. So you put on a few pounds over the summer, better to show them off now then on your first date.

DO check your spelling. I feel triggered, so I will not elaborate any further.

DO be honest. If you’re an Uber driver, don’t say you’re a self-employed entrepreneur. Wave that five-star rating in her face!

DO not use too many emojis or exclamation points unless you want to attract someone with half a brain and low standards. (Yup, I’m judgmental. Nope, not adding that to my profile.)

DO not show your dick.

DO fill in the About Me. Sometimes if a woman is on the fence about your looks, a good bio will make or break the match.

DO NOT listen to the advice of a woman who can’t keep a man’s attention for more than a few weeks.

At the end of the day, you pretty much have to DO you.

What are your Dos and Don’ts for online dating profiles? Leave them in the comments.

But He’s a Nice Guy…

The award for most strategic use of a hotel towel goes to…

Some of the profiles one comes across on Tinder, Bumble, Hinge and the others are enough to make even the most extroverted person blush.

For the first “Richard pic” of this site, only a true dick pic would suffice. And this one takes the cake — or the towel.

David isn’t looking for a hookup, ya’ll. He is “looking for something serious.” “Serious,” like towel over his junk serious.

Were there no other photo options available? The standard shirtless pic wouldn’t cut it? Was his thought process for forgoing the typical profile photos something like this:

“Photo with my mom? Nope.”

“Playing with my nieces and nephews? Nah.”

”A shot of me smiling on the peak of a random mountain after hiking it with five of my best guy friends, all looking like GQ models fresh off a shoot for the Setpember issue? Wouldn’t work.”

”I know what will make me stand out: my erect penis under a tea towel.”


If these are the options, let’s all remain single forever.

App Lingo 101: Modern Dating Terms You Should Know

Here’s a handy tip sheet if you, like me, grew up in a/s/l era of the internet.

While scrolling through the various apps I’m on (read: all of them), I’ve come across acronyms and other terms I’ve never heard before. Am I really that old?

This being the age of Siri, Alexa and Google, I’ve been able to step up my game and learn the new language of love.

Here’s a handy tip sheet if you, like me, grew up in a/s/l era of the internet.

Catfishing: The act of pretending to be someone you are not in order to attract a love interest

Demisexual: A person who find someone’s personality more attractive than his/her physical appearance

DTR: Define the relationship

Ethically non-monogamous: A new term for being in an open relationship

Ghosting: The act of cutting off all forms of communication without warning

IRL: In real life

Kittenfishing: When your dating profile is trying a little too hard to make you look good. (Is that photo from this decade?)

LTR: Long term relationship

Meetcute: The funny, adorable or unexpected story of how a couple first met

Sapiosexual: A person who finds intelligence sexually attractive or arousing

Situationship: Are you just friends? Are you in a relationship? It’s a little bit of both.

Zombie-ing: When the person who ghosted you returns from the dead, likely via text

Is there a term I didn’t cover? Drop a comment below.