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Burn It All Down

I like being single. Love it actually. I do what I want, when I want, with whomever I want. Life is good. But not too long ago, I decided to “settle down”.

I like being single. Love it actually. I do what I want, when I want, with whomever I want. Life is good.

But not too long ago, I decided to “settle down.” I would set out to find a nice guy to spend time with, maybe call my boyfriend, and drift off into that cloudy headspace where love and contentment are synonymous with lazy Sundays on the couch and watching the latest episode of The Bachelor together.

I thought relationship bliss couldn’t be that far out reach given the myriad of dating apps available, the number of group activities I’m constantly signing up for, and all of my wonderful friends who could pawn me off to their single, guy friends.

Do you know what it’s like to be that wrong? Dating apps are where catfish swim free and basement dwellers spend their non-Fortnite time; social sports groups are for twentysomethings who aren’t looking for thirtysomething dating partners; and friends who are in long-term committed relationships dispose of all of their single friends immediately after moving in together.

Living Single - Maxine GIF

Now, this is not to say I haven’t dated. Oh, I’ve dated.

There was the married guy (or was he?) I met in a class. The former co-worker I finally got my shot with. (I missed.) The other married guy in an open relationship. The bouncer who wouldn’t stop asking if he could send me a Richard pic even after I told him no — five times! And let’s not talk about T-Rex arms — at least not yet.

I’ve also swiped right and had many matches that resulted in nothing but long text conversations and a sinking feeling that lowering standards of any kind are a prerequisite to finding love — or middling like — in 2018.

The stories I could tell! And I will. Here. Because dating is a raging dumpster fire and I need to vent.

Nightmare first dates? Check. Awkward texts (mostly written by me)? Check.  Shirtless profile pics? Check. Questions and answers to dating’s most perplexing questions, like what is a sapiosexual? Check.

Names will be changed to protect the innocent, but no match is safe.

Insecure - Issa Rae GIF

If you having a dumpster fire dating story you’d like to share on the site, drop me a note.

App Lingo 101: Modern Dating Terms You Should Know

Here’s a handy tip sheet if you, like me, grew up in a/s/l era of the internet.

While scrolling through the various apps I’m on (read: all of them), I’ve come across acronyms and other terms I’ve never heard before. Am I really that old?

This being the age of Siri, Alexa and Google, I’ve been able to step up my game and learn the new language of love.

Here’s a handy tip sheet if you, like me, grew up in a/s/l era of the internet.

Catfishing: The act of pretending to be someone you are not in order to attract a love interest

Demisexual: A person who find someone’s personality more attractive than his/her physical appearance

DTR: Define the relationship

Ethically non-monogamous: A new term for being in an open relationship

Ghosting: The act of cutting off all forms of communication without warning

IRL: In real life

Kittenfishing: When your dating profile is trying a little too hard to make you look good. (Is that photo from this decade?)

LTR: Long term relationship

Meetcute: The funny, adorable or unexpected story of how a couple first met

Sapiosexual: A person who finds intelligence sexually attractive or arousing

Situationship: Are you just friends? Are you in a relationship? It’s a little bit of both.

Zombie-ing: When the person who ghosted you returns from the dead, likely via text

Is there a term I didn’t cover? Drop a comment below.